The Zombie Nativity: Where Da Shepherds?

I’ve figured it out. I was perusing some online photos of the infamous Zombie Nativity outside Cincinnati, Ohio, and I noticed one striking detail. There were no shepherds. All those religious fanatics, we thought they were just lacking a sense of humor. We thought they all had sticks up their backsides. We thought they were objecting to the idea of having zombies at a Nativity scene. Turns out they were objecting not to the zombies, but because the depiction was historically inaccurate! We judged them wrong!

In reality, the Wise men, or Magi, as they are alternately known, did NOT arrive at the Nativity; rather, they arrived some time later. We don’t know how long it took them. Because the Jewish people were big into numerology, and the number twelve had certain connotations–the Twelve Tribes of Israel, the Twelve Disciples–and because there was a preexisting pagan tradition of “twelve days,” it was decided that there would be twelve days of Christmas, culminating in Epiphany, which celebrates the arrival of the Magi, on January 6th. (Realistically it could have taken the Wise Men a couple of years to get there, if not longer.) The shepherds, however, DID arrive on the same night as Christ’s birth. But the shepherds are missing from the Zombie Nativity. THAT is what all the religious wackjobs have been objecting to, not the zombies!

No, not really. I doubt most of the objectors even noticed the shepherds were missing. They just saw zombies and lost their shit. But there could be at least ONE of them who objected to the missing shepherds. You never know.

By TheCheezman

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of Evil Cheez Productions ( - - specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. And he really likes vampires and werewolves. Like, a LOT.