Black Friday Zom-pocalypse

Or I could subtitle this article “Zombies need their quality athletic footwear, too!” They would if they were the fast-running kind of zombies from 28 DAYS LATER or the DAWN OF THE DEAD remake. If they’re the shambling, plodding, and uncoordinated wrecks from the original NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD and a gazillion other zombie flicks, it probably wouldn’t matter what kind of shoes they had on. The hordes (20,000 strong!) that savaged Seattle Premium Outlets, a NIKE superstore near—can you guess? Right! Seattle.—weren’t zombies, though. As mindless as zombies, yes. Probably as scary. But they weren’t dead, except maybe from the neck up. They probably smelled better than your average zombie. (Well, most of them.) They didn’t have a craving for human brains, either. These were Black Friday shoppers, and what they wanted were SHOES! Fancy, cheap shoes!

The carnage wreaked by the Black Friday Shopper Zombies, or BFSZs, was just as gruesome as what you’d expect to find in the wake of a Romero-penned revenant rampage, save that none of their victims were human. No one was reported killed or eaten, not even partially. Oh, but what the BFSZs did to those shoes! The horror! The horror!